Understanding the Angry Child

By Jill M. Stiber

We’ve all seen the beginning of this family drama. A five-year-old girl grabs a pack of candy at the grocery store checkout lane. Her distracted mother snatches it from her and says, “No candy today.” The child shrieks, “I want candy!” Soon the child is in the throes of a nuclear sized tantrum.

Perhaps the exhausted parent buys the candy, hoping to buy some temporary peace and quiet. Or perhaps the argument escalates with mother screaming and the child receiving a quick spanking.

So begins the saga of the angry child. Why do children act this way? How can we help our children to deal with their anger? In order to answer these questions, we need to understand the root of anger and the way in which children experience and learn about the world.

Anger is the most natural and primary of human emotions. All people feel anger at times. Anger is most often a response to the frustration of a perceived need or want. Like all emotions, anger is not the product of a rational decision making process. It is a feeling, and all feelings are natural and normal. Yet it’s important to distinguish the feeling of anger from the choices we make in how we decide to behave when we feel angry.

Children are natural explorers; they seek to test limits and boundaries, and they experience the physical world through their senses. They learn through doing, rather than through listening. Children are naturally more impulsive than adults. Children will say and do things without reflection.
They also learn to express their behaviors through “modeling” – imitating the behaviors of the adults around them. Parents and caretakers can teach children to express anger in smart and productive ways. They should encourage children to talk about their feelings openly. Adults should respond to a child’s angry feelings with empathy and acceptance, rather than with criticism.

When children are treated respectfully by adults, they learn to treat others with respect. Caretakers should set clear, firm and consistent boundaries, using as few words as possible to convey the message. Parents often make the mistake of giving children lengthy explanations when only a few words are necessary. Parents should respond calmly to misbehavior with a consequence that is proportional to the misbehavior.

The first step in helping someone to deal effectively with anger is to understand its causes. Two children in a group may have identical experiences, but only one of them responds with anger. For the angry one, what is the problem? Is it an inability to handle the level of stress in his environment? Is it the child’s temperament? Are there physiological problems? Or developmental issues? Is the child easily frustrated? Does she find it exhausting to be an introvert in a group that demands extroversion? Is he overstimulated by his surroundings?

Children may be taught to find alternatives to expressing anger. As a coach to your child, be an ally and an advocate, while responding with empathy to the child’s feelings. It’s not your role to solve the problem, but to help the child recognize it and learn to solve it. So assist, but don’t take over. Listen, don’t lecture.

Also understand that chemistry is at work. When a person experiences anger, stress hormones surge and it’s harder to act calmly. But if children learn early on to recognize the feeling and thoughts that accompany their anger, and learn to anticipate the events that typically trigger it, it’s easier for them to apply helpful strategies.

These include such things as taking a time-out, using humor and employing distraction. You can teach your children these things, as well as coach them in how to be assertive without becoming angry, how to use exercise to take the edge off, how to accept what they can’t control and how to distance themself from the source of aggravation.

The scope of an anger problem may exceed your abilities and skills. Sometimes increased anger and irritation can be a symptom of depression. When that happens, consider calling a professional counselor or therapist. The therapists at Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Minneapolis are skilled in both the diagnosis and treatment of children’s and adult’s anger issues.

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Jill M. Stiber, LICSW, BCD, is a therapist in the Counseling Program at Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Minneapolis.