Helping a Grieving Friend

By Barbara Rudnick

Each of us will experience the loss of loved ones. The healing process for the pain that accompanies loss is grief. Grieving is often a difficult, intensely emotional and life changing journey.

Traveling through the erratic and unpredictable stages of shock, denial, anger, emotional release and panic is common. A person might be sad, moody, forgetful, angry, controlling, exhausted – sometimes all in one day.

He or she may encounter road blocks and detours such as guilt, anxiety and loneliness. There is no suitcase to pack for this voyage – the necessities are courage and endurance. There is not a well-defined timeline either. For some the journey may take months; for others it may take years.  

Caring friends want to help. We wish that we could ease sorrow, lift sadness and lessen pain. We try to be sensitive by avoiding those subjects which might arouse upsetting thoughts and feelings. We want to say or do the right thing  to re-energize and help our friend feel better. Is this possible? Can we make a difference? Of course we can. The following is a list of helpful suggestions:

• The most meaningful words to a grieving person are “I’m sorry about your loss.”  Statements that we think will be helpful such as: “Be glad he or she didn’t suffer,” “you’re a strong person. I know you’ll do well,” “give yourself a year” or “you have so much to live for” are well intentioned but usually not helpful.

Instead, try to:

• Share fond memories of the person who has died and give the griever opportunities to talk about and remember their loved one. This may cause tears, which is OK, and it also gives comfort.  

• Call the person regularly – whether it is daily, weekly or monthly. Feeling cared for and thought about means a lot. Do not be discouraged or offended if your friend does not feel up to talking. He or she will appreciate your thoughtfulness.  Keep calling.

• Send a card or note that says,  “Thinking of you.” Sometimes we feel that we need to be profound or poetic. Just reminding our friend that we care is enough.

• Holidays and anniversaries are especially painful times. Continue to include your friend in your celebrations and be understanding if they are unable to participate. Sometimes they will not feel strong enough to come but other times they will.

• Avoid sentences beginning with “You should…” A grieving person needs time to figure out what they need to do. Be a good listener, and ask if advice is wanted before giving it.

• Only make promises that you are sure you can keep. The future may feel very uncertain and scary depending on a person’s loss. Having positive things to look forward to is very important.

The paths through grief are made easier when traveled with the support of understanding and caring friends and community. Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Minneapolis understands that every loss is unique and offers personalized grief support. To schedule a conversation contact Barbara Rudnick, 952-542-4825 or brudnick@jfcsmpls.org.

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Barbara Rudnick, MA, is Program Manager for Family Life Education at Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Minneapolis

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